SEXUAL IDENTITIES: PART TWO

GUTS READERS SHARE HOW THEY DEFINE THEMSELVES, AND WHAT TURNS THEM ON

December 12th, 2014

In the leadup to our third issue, we launched an anonymous sex survey. We wanted to hear from you about your experiences with sex, your thoughts and feelings and your best stories. And you told us! We’re so grateful for all the incredible, honest answers we’ve received, please keep them coming. The survey is still up and running, and there’s lots of time left to submit. We received so many great answers to this question that we broke them up into parts. This is Part Two, find Part One here.

We wanted to preserve your voices and the spirit of your answers, so we haven’t edited any of the responses. Here’s what we asked you to do:

Talk about your sexual identity—what you like, what makes you feel wanted, and what that’s all about.

  • I’m a culturally queer, bisexual/sapiosexual non-monogamous trans guy. Culturally queer because I have queer parents, was quite involved in the drag and IDKE scene for years, and now work a community based charity. Queer politics inform my life well outside of the realm of attractions. Bisexual because I’m attracted to people of the same and other sexes (cis, trans, intersex). Sapiosexual because I’m a geek and need to be able to geek out with the other person if they’re going to be more than a friend with benefit/one night stand (and some times, even to be either of those.) I prefer to be committed to one person but have friends with benefits/one night stands here and there. I’m comfortable dating poly people committed to other people, but I’d rather not be expected to be committed to said other people within a realm of closed relationships.

My default inclination is to top, though since getting lower surgery, I’ve develop comfort in switching around certain people and some acts. But I’m not sure which I prefer, a switch/bottom looking for that sort of dynamic, or a fellow top looking for a challenge ;p

Above all I like confidence, people who embrace and encourage the embracing of vulnerability, clear communicators, dimples and those who smile with their eyes. Good kissers who know my tonsils are just fine on their own, but also know when to bite a lower lip gently.
Eagerness and auditory responses makes me feel wanted and get me hot and bothered.

  • touch and lots of it.  Gentle teasing, and thoughtful.  On the head, neck and in the hand.
  • There is something so intimate when somebody is able to express how badly they want to hold me, or kiss weird parts of my body, or taste me. I’ve had enough one night stands in my life – which can be fun – but at this point what I find sexiest is when somebody wants ME. Wants to know my body because they want to know my tickle zones, my erogenous zones, the way I look in the morning, where my comfort lies and ends, and how far we can explore each others’ needs and desires. It’s sexy to know that somebody wants to know who I am sexually and have it not stop there.
  • I like to play and have fun. I like to be dominated but when I was younger the opposite was true. I like to know there is a connection of love and respect between my partner and I.
  • To start, it’s really important for me to say that I self identify as bisexual (attraction to people that are the same gender as me and people who are other gender(s)/agender. I say it’s important because I feel like bisexuals get a lot of flack for supposedly reinforcing the gender binary, and I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I wear my label loudly and proudly.
    I am a very sexual person, and enjoy exuberating that through my actions and the clothes that I wear (I feel as though my style is pretty directly linked to my sexuality.I like people who are feminists, who are kinky, who are open and excited about sex, and who want to try new things.
  • For a long time, I considered myself straight. But then I had an encounter with a girl and then several more and realized I may need to rethink the way I classify myself.

So now I am into a person, regardless of their gender, and I don’t think too much about explaining this to other people, or even to myself. I like being with someone who is generous, honest, and won’t put up with any bullshit.

  • I’m a straight female.  I like it when my passive partner is in charge in bed.  I feel wanted through certain looks and special eye contact.
  • I am a Transsexual woman who identifies as a lesbian. I love the feel of a womans body held close to mine, the smell of a woman and the taste of her body. What turns me on most is when a woman shows me she wants me, wants to be with me and want me to please her.
  • I’ve come to see my sexuality as pretty fluid. Generally I’m more attracted to men than woman but sometimes I’ll have a day or two where I feel really connected and attracted to women. I like sex that is adventurous but I also think that sex is inevitably a funny thing and have had a lot of good experiences embracing that. I think that being wanted makes me feel wanted and I like to experience that tension.
    I never really thought I was that good looking or sexual, but it took me a while to realize that even my ‘type’ is desireable.
  • When they tell me how hot I look or how sexy I am I feel unstoppable! I am a sexually very liberated person. I feel empowered to get what I want and have healthy respectful relationships in any manner of arrangements. I oppose heteronormativity and identify as queer.
  • I like really intimate sex, even if it’s with someone I don’t know that well. I guess I’m a romantic and like to feel that it’s special, not just this throw away casual thing. I like feeling a connection. I like feeling appreciated, not just for my body or for engaging in sex but for being a whole person who someone else wants to know intimately through sex.
  • I identify as queer. It’s a big word that allows all sorts of wiggle room for my desires to grow and change. Ultimately, I use that word because I am politically opposed to heteronormativity, and because I am most often drawn to people who are of the same gender as myself, or who do not conform to the gender binary.

Being consensually objectified by my partner always makes me feel wanted. To be told I am hot, have my ass grabbed, be pressed against a wall – it’s so fun to let her treat me in a way I would never let anyone else treat me.

  • I identify as gay and I have a really easy time of separating pleasure from romance I think. And one is definitely more easy to come by. My sex drive isn’t very high so it makes it easy to just kind of go with the flow and pick it up when the mood strikes. I’m versatile, and that’s in more ways than one.I don’t feel like I have a type or preference for most things, it just really depends on the moment. Feeling wanted is less of an issue, I feel like I can connect with people well and can tell if we get each other. In that way I’m very passive and probably come across as a huge asshole.
  • I’ve always identified as straight. I love men. All shapes and sizes, backgrounds. I don’t judge anyone. In the last few years, I have started looking at women. I haven’t gone forward into anything as of yet. It’s more or less being unsure how to initiate talk. I just really like the human form.

I fall in love easily…is that a bad thing? Sometimes.

  • I like men. I feel wanted when I see the look in my partners eyes like nothing else in the world exists but he and I and all he wants to do is look and feel and taste. We get lost together.
  • i view my sexual identify as something that i don’t like to define, or categorize and maybe a term commonly used: “fluid” fits best here when i want to relate an idea to it. i really am excited about the idea of rejecting the language/limits of heteronormativity because i find even the term “queer” can be exclusionary. i feel wanted and comfortable when i’m heard, respected and consented — this makes me feel autonomous and i view that as something that i value so much.
  • My sexual identity, for better and for worse, is really tied up in my political identity.  I came out as queer when I was twelve, which informed my sense of self both as an individual with selfhood and as a person with opinions, a voice, and political influence.  This changed when I started having sex, because the clear-cut ideals of feminism didn’t always hold up in the messy, sticky, grey-area Real World.

I like brilliant people.  I like people who have passions and love to talk about them. I love people who will listen and discuss with me.  I love people who push me, who scare me (just a little bit, in a good way), and who enlighten me.

But most of all, what wins me over is when people ask for things clearly, politely, and consistently.  I always ask before sex (after a few instances of people not asking me), and the people who have made the most difference in my life have been the people who ask and listen.
I’m a person who identifies as a lesbian, but was once present in a sexual situation with a man (as well as another woman).  What happened between the man and is is not what I would consider “sex,” but the complicated-ness of it made me reconsider my sexual-tied-up-in-political identity.  After that point, I realized that I still prefer the term “lesbian” and that that particular sexual encounter with that particular penis connected to a male-identified man wasn’t really my thing; but I am always open to people who identify as male or have penises or don’t identify as male or don’t have penises.  It’s still a political thing, because gender is a political thing, but it doesn’t have to ruin my own conceptions of what I am.  Does that make sense?


Submit your own answers here!

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