the fall of 2014 following the Michael Brown uprisings
was the most exhausting two weeks of my life & by the end i finally burned out and stayed in my bed catching up on much needed sleep @ 7pm

j crawled in around 2 hyped & nervous & proud & worried she’d be caught w something through closed eyes i said she’d be ok

there is evidence that
there is evidence that i don’t give a fuck except when i do
there is evidence that my friends will just keep dying
there is evidence that it’s never too late but it’s always too early

the difference in the moment between seeing & teaching the possibilities & the urgent desire to ask & find a space to connect but looking around & seeing the place that got evicted the place that turned around the place that got razed to the ground the place that burned down

im waiting for the moment when
this is suddenly possible
im waiting for the moment when
i ditch my body @ the corner store & ride heated currents
im waiting for the moment when we no longer tear each other apart
im waiting for the moment when
your nails are dug deep into my skin
im waiting for the moment when
possibility is inevitable & not just a distant wisp
im waiting for the moment when leather on skin is enough
im waiting for the enough when the moment strikes back
im waiting
im waiting but not actually & i want it now i don’t want my friends to ache i don’t want my friends to have to grieve i don’t want to have to grieve my friends ever

some people say its context dependent
some people say its content dependent
some people say yr too dramatic
some people say fuck it it’s lit
some people say this beat carries my heart up against bone & i don’t want it to stop some people say this moment will be remembered in vib3 & feel & worry

i saw a friend tonight read about her dead father and the process of returning his laugh to her body

i saw a friend tonight & relearned how her power has no bounds / how it reaches the parts of the ocean that don’t have color or form or edge

courtney’s voice when she forms someday you will ache like i ache

the way her mouth wraps around every word a letter a feeling emerges—after all Courtney is a cancer
it’s so hard to tell if i’m in love with her or if i want to be her
but it’s like she says
why the fuck would u want to be me


it will just burn over & over—there may not be time to recover

there may not be time to recover

we can bet on that it’s just going to get hotter

i’m just getting hotter

the seasonality of streams

we’re locked in

to this heatwave

yeahhhh they really want you they really want you they really do

who are they & what do they want b/c i know deep down it can’t be the milieu who just reproduce the same hierarchies they attempted to isolate from

in the first place

i fake it so good i am beyond fate

j told me forever ago when she first began to distance herself from the scene

she said she was bored – the scene was boring – the parties were boring – & everyone was petty

& at the time i was so mad at her like how could she say that // there was potential in intimacy i didn’t understand what she was saying

i wanted to be accepted — i wanted a community around radical misbehavior / collective queerness / abrasive music / & poetry

she said someday you will ache like i ache
b/c we know for certain only a few things—it’s getting hotter—there’s a housing crisis—& there’s no future

go on take everything

the commons get burned over & over
& we absorb it all—the loss—all knotted up beneath each knee cap

go on take everything

do u remember when the commons was a place u could go to

before it became strictly


i swear i was there & you were too
& now it’s just a place
we keep failing to arrive at

go on take everything

it’s not really our fault
scarcity turns people into nightmares

j & i are on a porch that may collapse @ any moment
riding hi on the loaded edge of

social transfusion

& i tell her she was right

quite some time has passed

she said i hoped you’d never have to ache like that

i just wished i’d come to it sooner

go on take everything