//LIVE THRU THIS//
the fall of 2014 following the Michael Brown uprisings
was the most exhausting two weeks of my life & by the end i finally burned out and stayed in my bed catching up on much needed sleep @ 7pm
j crawled in around 2 hyped & nervous & proud & worried she’d be caught w something through closed eyes i said she’d be ok
there is evidence that
there is evidence that i don’t give a fuck except when i do
there is evidence that my friends will just keep dying
there is evidence that it’s never too late but it’s always too early
the difference in the moment between seeing & teaching the possibilities & the urgent desire to ask & find a space to connect but looking around & seeing the place that got evicted the place that turned around the place that got razed to the ground the place that burned down
im waiting for the moment when
this is suddenly possible
im waiting for the moment when
i ditch my body @ the corner store & ride heated currents
im waiting for the moment when we no longer tear each other apart
im waiting for the moment when
your nails are dug deep into my skin
im waiting for the moment when
possibility is inevitable & not just a distant wisp
im waiting for the moment when leather on skin is enough
im waiting for the enough when the moment strikes back
im waiting
im waiting but not actually & i want it now i don’t want my friends to ache i don’t want my friends to have to grieve i don’t want to have to grieve my friends ever
some people say its context dependent
some people say its content dependent
some people say yr too dramatic
some people say fuck it it’s lit
some people say this beat carries my heart up against bone & i don’t want it to stop some people say this moment will be remembered in vib3 & feel & worry
i saw a friend tonight read about her dead father and the process of returning his laugh to her body
i saw a friend tonight & relearned how her power has no bounds / how it reaches the parts of the ocean that don’t have color or form or edge
courtney’s voice when she forms someday you will ache like i ache
the way her mouth wraps around every word a letter a feeling emerges—after all Courtney is a cancer
it’s so hard to tell if i’m in love with her or if i want to be her
but it’s like she says
why the fuck would u want to be me
//CLIMATE CHANGE//
it will just burn over & over—there may not be time to recover
there may not be time to recover
we can bet on that it’s just going to get hotter
i’m just getting hotter
the seasonality of streams
we’re locked in
to this heatwave
yeahhhh they really want you they really want you they really do
who are they & what do they want b/c i know deep down it can’t be the milieu who just reproduce the same hierarchies they attempted to isolate from
in the first place
i fake it so good i am beyond fate
j told me forever ago when she first began to distance herself from the scene
she said she was bored – the scene was boring – the parties were boring – & everyone was petty
& at the time i was so mad at her like how could she say that // there was potential in intimacy i didn’t understand what she was saying
i wanted to be accepted — i wanted a community around radical misbehavior / collective queerness / abrasive music / & poetry
she said someday you will ache like i ache
b/c we know for certain only a few things—it’s getting hotter—there’s a housing crisis—& there’s no future
go on take everything
the commons get burned over & over
& we absorb it all—the loss—all knotted up beneath each knee cap
go on take everything
do u remember when the commons was a place u could go to
before it became strictly
imaginary
i swear i was there & you were too
& now it’s just a place
we keep failing to arrive at
go on take everything
it’s not really our fault
scarcity turns people into nightmares
j & i are on a porch that may collapse @ any moment
riding hi on the loaded edge of
social transfusion
& i tell her she was right
quite some time has passed
she said i hoped you’d never have to ache like that
i just wished i’d come to it sooner
go on take everything
