KINKY

Readers share their kinks, and how they accommodate partners’ desires.

In the leadup to our third issue, we launched an anonymous sex survey. We wanted to hear from you about your experiences with sex, your thoughts and feelings and your best stories. And you told us! We’re so grateful for all the incredible, honest answers we’ve received – you can check out the whole Open Secrets series here.

We wanted to preserve your voices and the spirit of your answers, so we haven’t edited any of the responses.

Here’s the question we asked:

Do you have a kink (or many)? How did you come to understand what you liked or wanted during sex? How have you dealt with someone else’s kink?

  • I think I always knew I was kinky, but I suppressed a lot of my fantasies when I was younger because I didn’t feel ready to acknowledge them, and I didn’t know how to express my sexuality. A lot of that had to do with the fact that I never had any adventurous partners (not that you have to have one to be kinky, that’s just how it was for me). I started to think about my kinks about a couple years ago when I started looking for porn that I liked and when I started being honest with myself and my partners about my sexual preferences. I love being in submissive roles, like being told what to do, especially if that also involves being restricted in some way- by being tied up or hogtied. More recently, I’ve learned that I also enjoy a more dominant role as well. The first time I put on a strap on I just felt this huge jolt through my whole body and I looked at myself in the mirror and just thought “whoa, this is so cool.” I’m lucky that I have an amazing partner to be kinky with; we try new things and are really open with each other so expressing my kinks feels natural and comfortable.
  • Kink is such an intimidating word. While my desires fall outside of what many would call “normal”, I’ve never really called myself kinky. But I do love role play and playing rough, and some would call these things kinky.
  • I definitely have kinks! I enjoy anal play (both giving and receiving), being tied up and blindfolded, being tossed around/spanked/bitten, hooking up in places other than my bedroom, wearing pretty lingerie or getting to see it on someone else, taking photos or making videos of ourselves hooking up, and anticipation (being teased and made to wait, exchanging dirty pictures and texts, etc). I am still figuring it all out and I love exploring and finding out what I like and what my partner likes. We overlap a lot in our desires and I haven’t had to navigate a partner really wanting something that I don’t feel comfortable doing. I do what feels good and what I like fantasizing about. Sometimes I just need to try something to figure out if I like it or not, and my partner and I have a lot of trust and openness in our sexual relationship so we can experiment with things.
  • I have many kinks. I havent had a chance to try them all out yet.
  • cunnilingus. early on I was like “oh man blowjobs are wicked, so people must love getting eaten out”, but then realized it’s not a 1-1 thing. 69-ing when equally enjoyed by both parties is so nice though. I just want to know that I’m pleasing the other person, that pleases me.

I love it when everybody wins.

  • I like having things in my butt. At times it’s been hard reaching a point with partners when we are both comfortable enough to play with it. Some people are really afraid of butts. I found out quite in a moment when a man I trusted just went for it, and I came instantly. It had never occurred to me to ask for it before… He changed my sex life!
    As for somebody else’s kink… I was with a guy once who loved to hit. He hit me during sex once without having discussed it with me first – a slap right across the face. I was shocked. I stopped and asked him what was up. He told me that from his experience girls liked to be smacked during sex. I told him I didn’t. It quickly became obvious, after having sex with him a couple more times that it was strongly related to feelings of power for him, he was usually kind of rough (which I’m into when I feel safe) and bossy. After trying to talk to him about it a couple more times after the first time and getting nothing but silence and shrugged shoulders, I decided I didn’t want to have sex with somebody who was in it to feel stronger than me without discussing that dynamic with me.
  • I love to be choked. Choked hard enough that oxygen flow is restricted, but not long enough to turn funny colours. The extra adrenaline rush is really exciting! I’ve learned that a lot of people don’t like to choke or be choked though, so it is essential to ask first.
  • I think I’m just obsessed with receiving oral sex. All that attention on only you… them getting turned on by how turned on you are, and then having amazing sex afterwards.
  • I don’t really have anything that would be considered a kink. I like anal play but I think that’s pretty common. I’ve never had a guy tell me something kinky he wanted to do.
  • Yes.
    Lots.
    Understanding what I like and want is an ongoing process, though figuring out that I liked knives and women in combination (for example) because I’m *kinky* was kind of a huge relief from an “Oh, good, I’m not a Bad Feminist” perspective.  “Dealing” with other people’s kink is generally fun and fairly easy.

YAY for having a whole community of leather dykes to hang out with.

  • I only have a few kinks, but I think they are still unexplored. I like a bit of safe restriction – tying up my partners arms, or being tied up a little bit. I had sex with one partner who explored my butt, totally gently but as a surprise, and I ended up really, really  liking it. It can be surprisingly hard to vocalize your kinky desires.
  • My partner recently came out to me as bisexual – he didn’t want out of our relationship, but he needed me to know, and needed to find out if I might be comfortable helping him explore his sexuality with men. To keep a long story short, I eventually came around to the idea and we had a threesome with an extremely attractive bartender we had met while on a night out. The experience changed my whole perspective on sex and pleasure – I also couldn’t believe how okay I was with my partner kissing another person in front of me. It was truly a great night, and it brought me and my partner closer together – we love each other more than ever and most surprisingly to me, I’m keen to have another one when the timing and person are right.
  • Being spanked. Not role-playing or “you’ve been a bad girl” talk. Just plain spanking. A guy spanked my ass very hard during foreplay and all of a sudden I was awake!
    Not really, one guy was into tying my hands and the first time I let him. It was a very bad experience and I really dislkied it.
  • Someone I met in a bar licked my asshole for a long time until I came standing up in the shower while I rubbed myself. Now that is all I ever want!!

Is that even a kink though?

  • Nope but I haven’t really explored any either.
  • I’m discovering little kinks, and I’m sure they develop and increase over time. For me asphyxiation came up in the moment. I just had an intense desire to be choked, asked for it, and had an easy gesture to make him stop. Other times he suggested things and we tried it and i wasn’t turned on, but open to it another time. Usually it comes up in discussion first. Overall I’m still pretty vanilla.
  • I would say that I’m kinky and enjoy a bit of light BDSM (spanking, slapping, hair pulling). I’ve indulged others in their kinks so long as I felt comfortable with it and most people have indulged me in mine. I wouldn’t say that I’m kinky because I don’t have a kink that is required to get me off.
  • None.
  • Not that I know of. I have only had one previous serious partner and she I don’t think she had kinks. She said she wanted to try some more domination like things but I was too self concious and unsure to really do it and she wasn’t persistent about it so we did’t continue to try that
  • I love rough sex, slapping even punching.. i’ve always known i liked it rough right from the age of 14 with hair pulling, etc..A couple i was friends with were into the bdsm lifestyle and i was able to experiment with them.

I also love being submissive and following orders..with the right person who knows my limits and won’t push past them without a discussion beforehand.

  • Like I said before I’m pretty open minded and am willing to try. Off the top of my head I don’t have many specific ones really. Figuring out what I liked was a matter of watching different kinds of porn. I started out watching straight porn and kept clicking “gay porn” links thinking that it HAD to be lesbian porn. Turned out that I liked two men having sex more than any other combination of people and it just became more and more frequent. When dealing with someone elses kink, I am willing to try but make sure that what I want is respected and lines aren’t really crossed.
  • I love semen! I love the taste, the texture, and I love when I feel it shoot into my mouth. I love knowing it drives my partner crazy too. I don’t know what it is – I love drinking it and I love the feel of his shaft and head on my tongue, I love his smell and massaging his balls. I need it.
    I have had several partners and have experimented with every one – each person is different and I have come to understand that sex is different with every partner. Some just don’t do it for me, while others do. Those that do, for me – I need a strong man who makes me feel smaller than them and I want to be treated gently and passionately. I need them to honour me and my body and take me.
    My partner likes that I dress up. This is new for me and I have come to embrace it. Leggings, heels, long socks, silk slips. It is still a work in progress for me but I am coming to truly enjoy it and love the feel of different fabrics on my skin. I am also coming to appreciate and be turned on by my body more because of it too – bonus.
  • I used to, but then I realized that just because it gave me an intense high that did not mean that it felt good.  I’ve developed a healthier self-perception.
  • I do… I consider myself to be a part of kink culture, and I brought my partner into kink culture as well, and they ended up really liking it. I kind of stumbled into it. I was aware of kink culture and had just never experienced it myself. Once, during a hook-up, my partner pinned my arms down over my head and I was just like “woah this is super hot.”. I started working at a sexual health center that had a lot of kink toys and went to a few different seminars and lectures on kink, and thought I wanted to experience it further, and bought a few of the toys to test out.

It was all about exploring it, and it turned out to be really great.

  • I’d say by the time I was 18 or 19 I had a pretty good sense of what I wanted. I like being on top and I can come REALLY quickly. It might sound great but it often puts me in situations where I’m waiting for guys to come and then sex becomes awkward/unpleasant. I need to take some sort of drug to make me last longer.
    Once, a politician I dated wants to pee on me a lot. (Jk, that was an episode of SATC).
  • I like to be tied up sometimes and definitely spanked. I like a finger in the ass and there is a time and a place for handcuffs. It’s not a requirement. Regular sex is awesome. I have never had to deal with anyone else’s kink, but have played with all kinds of people doing all kinds of things.
  • I used to, mostly around temperature play and restraints (esp via Japanese Rope Bondage) but I dabbled in other things as well. But something about the pain and total loss of control in all facets of my life while recovering and waiting on the whim of my health insurance and surgeons to get my next lower surgeries annihilated my kink side. I can still partake in tit torture and certain other things but pretty exclusively for the sake of the other person, neither receiving nor inflicting physical pain does a thing for me anymore. I was never big into discipline play so that wasn’t much of a loss. I came into it in a hilarious way. I loss a bet and had to get a Brazilian wax. I was terrified and the only thing that stopped me from pissing myself was remembering a kinky friend of mine insisting that if you wanted pain, it felt different than unwanted pain. So I spent the time waiting to be called up trying some old fashioned cognitive behaviour therapy on myself, insisting I wanted the pain to come. I wound up leaving a massive wet spot on the esthestician’s table. I was mortified until her comment about the wet spot made it sadly clear she didn’t know much about sex/not had much sexual pleasure, she didn’t have a clue why I’d all but cum. None the less I apologised and left in a hurry to finish off at home. It was awkward after that when my aunt who runs a beauty salon asked if I wanted to get free work done at her establishment and I kept turning it down.

 


 

Read all the Open Secrets here!

 

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